triggers

Holy cow!  This morning hit a HUGE trigger for me.  It was as innocent as playing with my 3 year old but suddenly images flashed through my head that were less than pretty.  Suddenly I was no longer a mommy tickling my son, I was a teenage girl being attacked.  I know myself well enough to know that trigger days make eating hard.  So, today if you think of me, I would appreciate prayers for grace and strength to make it through the day.  Today I need prayers that I will rely on God's strength, not my own.  I need prayers that I will continue to find comfort in Him not in control and self destructive habits.  Today I need to know I am loved deeply, protected fiercly and safe.  Today I need God.

generational curses?

Hmmm, I saw my mom today.  She and my dad just went to a Christian conference and are both flying high still.  She mentioned how the Lord had revealed some generational curses to her.  She didn't go into a lot of detail but mentioned that her grandmother had 18 children and must have felt overwhelmed and that her mom had 5 children and felt overwhelmed.  Then she totally skipped over it and mentioned how often Satan attempted my life (I was misdiagnosed with menengitis as a baby and my parents told that I would likely die, I fell out of a moving car when I was 5, I had mystery illnesses that required lots of specialists, blood draws, test and other uncomfortable things just to be told no one knows what was wrong with me).  She doesn't even know the half of it when it comes to reasons I should be dead and God's grace decided otherwise.  So all in all I left her house confused.  Don't all mothers of young children sometimes feel overwhelmed?  How is that a generational curse?  And what did that have to do with the conversation about me living when I should have died?  I'm confused.  Generational curses is something I don't fully understand but my mom talks about often.  On one hand I think that many people use that fact that alcohol, abuse, poor choices are what they grew up with so the only example they have ever known as an excuse to not try to make better choices in their own lives.  This part of my brain doesn't want to believe in things like generational curses.  I mean, really, there is no law saying that I have to parent how I was parented or that I have to make the mistakes I saw my parents make.  But then I get confused again because what about when Jesus was being crucified and the Jews said that this sin, this man's blood, would be on their heads and the heads of their children and children's children?  That seems like a generational curse.  Every time my mom talks about generational curses I leave confused and have a headache.  What is a generational curse for real?  Is being overwhelmed by motherhood really a generational curse?  If so then it has been passed down each generation since Eve!  I think that it is a direct result of the fall of man.  None of us will ever parent perfectly and we all get overwhelmed at times.  That is a consequence for Adam and Eve's sin.  And how is the fact that I am alive but shouldn't be a generational curse?  Huh?  Did my grandmother's and their mothers struggle with depression, and eating disorders?  I want to be open to answers that comes directly from the Word because in all my years, this is the one topic that always makes my head hurt trying to understand it.  Are my kids doomed to make my mistakes unless I pray through and "break the curses" in our lives?

maintaining

I have gained most of the weight back that I had lost.  My doctor says I'm at a healthy weight, stay there.  My husband and friends are noticing too and liking the results.  I wish I could feel as good about it as they all do.  I wish my body didn't punish my mind so.  There are days that my body image is torture for my mind.  I am maintaining, not great but not horrible either.  Carol is worried about my medication needing to be tweeked because I can't seem to get past this feeling of just being stable.  I have had a few up days or moments but yet I still feel like I am mearly maintaining not progressing.  My last meeting with her was hard.  I am supposed to be excercising to help my body produce the chemicals my brain needs to get over this hurdle but it is hard.  I just don't want to.  I don't want to move.  I am constantly tired, beyond tired, exhausted. I'm taking my meds, I'm sleeping more than enough and I am even eating but I just don't seem to be feeling better.  I guess when I put it in black and white like this, I see why Carol said it sounds like depression.  As I put my feelings on paper, I am suddenly aware that I think she may be right.  I am tired of feeling like I am on the brink of falling over the edge.  I want to feel normal but I barely remember what normal feels like.  The times I have felt normal have been great, just not often and not lasting.  I hate that I eat, I hate that sometimes I enjoy eating, I hate that my body lies to me and I hate that I always feel down.  I pretty much just hate most everything about me right now, that the skinny pants my friend gave me that were too big in the hospital are now getting a little tight, that I keep eating even though I don't like the results, that I am so fickle as to say in the same breath that I want to get better and yet don't want to eat.  I wish this were an easy road.  And yet I don't.  If I have never known pain, how would I know Jesus to be a comforter?  If I have never known struggles, how would I know the peace that surpasses all understanding?  If I have never been weak, how would I know that His strength is perfect when my strength is gone?  If I have never felt alone maybe I would never have compassion on others who feel alone.  If I have never hurt, how can I know Jesus as a healer?  If bad things had never happened to me, how could I know Jesus as my redeemer? If Jesus could face the cross to ransom me, can I not face my sorrows and learn to lean on Him and learn His character in the midst of the pain?
God, help me to trust you.  Help me to put my hope in you, not in myself.  I know I can't save myself, only you can.  I know I cannot pull myself out of the pit, only you can.  Redeem my life, use me for your glory, and help me to know you in a new way through the valleys that I walk through.

mood swings

I have had a hard time over the last couple of weeks journaling or blogging.  My emotions have been so up and down and it is hard to express your feelings when you don't really know what they are.  My ups have been wonderful, I feel like me again.  I had forgotten how much I actually like the real me, when she shows up.  My downs have been equally extreme.  Ok, not dwelling on death but really hurting.  Socially, I feel very inept. For instance,  I was doing awesome until I got to MOPS and then had to fight through my emotions to stay calm, not panic and put on a smile.  I haven't called anyone, simply because I am not really sure what to say.  I am grateful for Psalms.  Reading from David is soothing to me.  It is soothing because David's emotional swings are as abrupt and extreme as my own.  I understand in one breath saying that God is faithful, wonderful, and always cares for me while in the next breath asking God where He went and how long I will hurt.  It is a book that shows me that I am human not crazy!  Well, I have to wrap it up to go see Carol.  Not looking forward to it today.  I choose to skip lunch.

I'm ok

I'm beyond exhausted and my bed is calling my name but since I have had a few people notice that I haven't blogged in a while and were asking if I'm ok, I thought I'd better give a quick update.  The day after my last post, my medicine started really working and I started feeling more like myself again.  I'm eating again and more and more meals are becoming enjoyable.  I haven't hated myself for eating since Red Lobster.  I am learning, rather slowly but still learning, to give myself the grace I would give to my kids.  That is a hard task!  I am looking at some relationships in my life that have been complicated and trying to figure out my feelings.  It is hard when I feel positive and negative emotions towards a person I love in the same breath.  It is a bit confusing at times and emotionally conflicting.  How can I love and resent someone to both extremes so much? Anyway, that will have to do for tonight.  To wrap it up, yeah I am ok and thanks for checking up on me my friends :) 

GOOD NIGHT, SLEEP SWEET!

feelings

Leaving my kids unattended upstairs for too long could be a bad idea so I'll make it quick.  The past 2 days I feel like I am barely hanging on.  I feel like I am on the verge of being overwhelmed.  I have to blog or I'll end up sobbing over something stupid.  I am looking at the list of feelings that Carol gave me.  I feel a lot of them. At this second in time I can mark off
anxious                confused
defeated              dependent
depressed           discouraged
embarrassed        empty
exposed               fear
grief                     guilt
helpless                hopeless
humiliated             hurt
inadequate            insecure
invaded                isolated
lonely                   nervous            
overwhelmed        sad
scared                  shy
tired                     trapped
unsure                 vulnerable
weak

Now I realize that some of these may duplicate in meaning but still, that is a lot of emotions at once.  No wonder it feels overwhelming.  I don't even know how to ask you to pray this time.  I hurt.  I need Jesus.  I need hope, peace, comfort.

random act of kindness

It is amazing how such a small act of kindness can turn someone's entire outlook around.  It has been a sad day today.  I feel like I want to cry but no tears want to fill my eyes.  Yesterday was my oldest sons birthday.  He turned 8.  We celebrated his birthday and my mom's which was today at Red Lobster.  Endless shrimp + recovering anorexic = not a wonderful idea!  I ate more calories last night at dinner than I have probably eaten over the course of a week. It tasted pretty good actually and again I felt guilty afterwards for enjoying food.  I feel like I don't deserve to enjoy what I eat. I am very very very aware that my new medicine is working and making my appetite increase.  I have actually been able to eat quite a bit more since being home from the hospital.  I think it is completely obvious that I have been eating over the last 2 weeks.  Why am I the only one to notice?  My son had a pool party birthday party on Friday.  I felt weird because I could see the belly in my swimsuit.  Hubby said I look great and that it isn't just because he is supposed to say that.  Yet I felt awkward and inadequate. 

My house is a disaster.  I haven't been able to tackle my kitchen in a few days.  My kids haven't tackled their messes either.  It is overwhelming.  Tonight I had a mile long list of things to do and yet found myself watching football and playing my sons new DS instead.  Some kind soul dropped milk off on my front porch and relieved me of the duty of having to go buy milk for my family's morning.  That was the act of kindness to turn my attitude around.  The story is actually kinda funny.  Just before 9pm, my youngest woke up with a bad dream.  I was getting him back to bed and he was just dozing off when my my dog starts barking like crazy and then my phone rings "unavailable number".  I rejected the call, worried I would wake him.  I got out of his room just before my message alert went off.  The message was a voice I don't recognize, again from an unknown number, saying that there was something on my porch for me.  Ok, I don't live in the greatest neighborhood.  It is by no means the hood but it isn't the nicest either.  Just last week one of my neighbors was arrested for having thousands of stolen items in his house that he was reselling.  An annonymous call telling me to look outside on my porch kinda freaked me out!  So I called my in-laws who live next door.  I told them that I didn't want to go to the door without someone knowing so they came to their door also, just in case.  I opened the door and there was 2 gallons of milk on my porch!  My father-in-law laughed and said "Well, guess I don't need this." and showed me that he had come to the door with his gun in hand, just in case. 

So whoever did that both scared me to death and blessed the socks off of me!  You changed my entire perspective today.  This morning I was wondering how God plans to use me.  I was wondering if my life was really in His hand.  I was hurting and tired.  This evening, He showed me, yet again, that He cares for even my smallest needs.  Getting milk wasn't a matter of not having money for it (though we have been in that position before), it was a matter of not wanting to leave my house.  I was enjoying watching the Giants/Bears game and loving the defensive football that was being played.  And yet, God still took care of me.  Isn't it funny that all it takes sometimes is something as simple as a couple of gallons of milk from an annonymous angel to remind me that God does indeed have a plan and purpose for my life, that He really does love me, and that He knows every need I have?!?